Scotland Yard’s chief in the 1950s, G. H. Hatherill is said to have flippantly remarked, “There are only about 20 murders a year in London and many not at all serious – some are just husbands killing their wives.” One wonders if this was the prevailing 1950s sentiment: wives were expendable, deserving of such dispatch, and replaceable. In 2011 we have an admirable gender reversal in the juicy Vishal Bhardwaj black comedy “7 Khoon Maaf”, wherein Susanna Anna-Marie Johannes (embodied enthusiastically by Priyanka Chopra at her sultriest) displays a penchant for marrying and murdering her husbands as they prove unworthy of her.Based on “Susanna’s Seven Husbands”, a short story by prolific Indo-Anglian writer Ruskin Bond, “7 Khoon Maaf” (literally “Seven Murders Forgiven”) is cheerfully empathetic of Susanna’s quandary: she enters into matrimony with every intention of loving, honoring, and cherishing her husbands until Death does them part, but what’s a gal to do when the husband reveals himself to be an irredeemable lying, cheating, thieving, duplicitous cad? Why, off him, of course, is the pragmatic solution, arrived at after a decent amount of soul-searching.I reveled in this sophisticated wickedly funny take on resolving marital crises, and I’m deeply grateful to Vishal Bhardwaj for such a delicious film experience. Can you believe it? Three excellent Hindi films in two months: “No One Killed Jessica”, “Dhobi Ghat”, and now, “7 Khoon Maaf” – this is rapidly making up for the Hindi film industry’s gag-inducing output of 2010.Susanna is orphaned, prodigiously wealthy, blessed with tawny sex appeal and a wardrobe that tastefully showcases her lovely bosom and long legs. Her daddy left her a vast estate in picturesque post-colonial Coorg, a stable full of prize-winning race horses, and, most importantly, three loyal to the death retainers. These three—a Muslim butler, a large and loving housekeeper Maggie Auntie, and a mute pint-sized jockey Goonga—run her household and estate with dazzling efficiency. But their special genius lies in vermin extermination as evidenced whenever Susanna’s husband du jour proves to be inconvenient or in any way unsuitable.Around the time Susanna is being wooed by Husband No.1, a dashing army captain, Goonga the mute jockey adopts an orphan boy, who earns his keep doing odd jobs. Susanna, smitten by the lad’s smarts, daring, and general adorability, decides he should attend school. More than any of her husbands, he turns out to be the love of her life, and it is he who narrates the story of Susanna’s many marital mishaps, and final undoing. The boy, Arun, goes from wide-eyed naïf who idolizes Susanna (quite literally – he prays daily to her photograph concealed behind one of that other fierce goddess of the Hindu pantheon, Durga) to a bespectacled forty-five year-old husband, father, and practitioner of forensic medicine who gives evidence that Susanna, after being widowed so very many times, is herself finally dead. Or is she?Arun is a plum role, spanning a large dramatic arc, for the character goes from harboring an ardent schoolboy crush and aspiring to marry Susanna to appreciating the generosity of his benefactress, but not being blind to her rather deadly faults. Susanna’s interest in him traverses from the maternal, initially, to playfully flirtatious to—over the years—seriously weighing his potential as a love/lust object. It’s a relationship calling for delicacy in depiction, and it’s handled exquisitely by director Bhardwaj, Priyanka Chopra, and wonderful first-time actor Vivaan Shah.Shah, all of 21 and about to graduate with an Arts degree, is the younger son of acting stalwarts Naseeruddin Shah and Ratna Pathak. Vivaan projects a maturity beyond his years, besides possessing good looks, and an ingratiating screen presence. First, as the orphan relying on wits and winsomeness to get by in the world, and later as the conflicted husband compelled to reveal his most intriguing past to his wife, Vivaan negotiates his way with aplomb, never letting on once this daunting role is his first. Not every newcomer gets to romance—right off the bat—two of India’s most beguiling actresses: Vivaan is paired with both Priyanka Chopra and Konkana Sen Sharma.Any film that deals with so many marriages must have a frank approach to sex, and director Bhardwaj includes many bawdy and sometimes very funny sex scenes between Susanna and her many husbands. Susanna recognizes her sexual hold on men; she reinvents herself seven times into each husband’s ultimate dream woman. The seven deadly sins manifest in one form or other in the husbands, and the romance and sex vary accordingly, ranging from Gothic gruesomeness with husband no. 1, to rock star boisterousness with husband no. 2, to cruelly violent with another, to risibly randy with a goatish older intelligence officer, to exotically charming and multilingual with a debonair Russian suitor.Priyanka Chopra gives a nuanced, knowing, and unabashedly sexy performance as Susanna. Her dusky sensuality has never before been so effectively deployed in service of a character, but she wouldn’t be as sexy if she weren’t so smart. Chopra lets us see Susanna’s intelligence—the biggest turn-on. Susanna is always a step ahead of her hapless husbands. Pitiful and weak, they clearly do not merit so much woman, so her homicidal instincts are almost laudable.The husbands do a fine job, and Vishal Bhardwaj has assembled a terrific cast of lovers for Ms. Chopra to lock horns with. Neil Nitin Mukesh impresses as the bullying gimp, as do Irrfan Khan, Annu Kapoor, and Aleksandr Dyachenko. John Abraham camps it up as an Axl Rose-kind of head-banger, kitted out in stringy blond wig and kilt, while Naseeruddin Shah mixes seduction with menace as the husband Susanna encounters late in life.Usha Uthup and the two actors playing Susanna’s trio of accomplices were simply marvelous, and I couldn’t wait to discover how each new disappointment of a husband would meet his demise. Love kills, indeed, and murder and mayhem were never so much fun!

• Susanna is hungry for love and will go to any extent to find it in its purest form. In her quest for the perfect man, she gets married a number of times as each of her husband’s die mysteriously.
• After the passing of his Pondicherry-born mentor, Susanna, Mumbai-based Dr. Arun Kumar Singh narrates his story to his wife, Nalini. With photographs from an old album that he has never shared with anyone, he informs her as to how Susanna caught him stealing; got him to quit his job & enrolled in a Panchgani school, as well as arranged for further education in St. Petersburg. While Susanna herself searched for true love and her marriages with six deceased men – including the abusive Major Edwin Rodrigies; drug-addicted and womanizer guitarist-singer Jamshed Singh Rathore; impotent and abusive Mohammad Wasiullah Khan; bigamist/spy Nicolai Vronski; Inspector Keemat Lal; and Dr. Modhusodon Tarafdar – men who influenced her life, broke her heart – and met with sudden and mysterious deaths.—rAjOo (gunwanti@hotmail.com)
• The dead body of an Anglo-Indian woman, Susanna Anna-Marie Johannes (Priyanka Chopra) is recovered from a burned down house. Sussane has had 6 husbands and all of them are dead. The case is assigned to forensic pathologist Arun, who is ordered to complete DNA profiling of the dead body’s mortal remains.The story then goes into a flashback. The story is told by a young forensic pathologist, Arun, (Vivaan Shah) to his wife (Konkona Sen Sharma). Arun addresses Susanna as “Saheb”. Susanna tries to find love, but six of her seven husbands have a flaw which proves fatal. The deaths of her husbands (and her yearning for love) are explained by the loss of her mother and father at a young age. She always looked for her father in every man she met.Arun has watched Susanna since their childhood and has a secret crush on her. He owes his life to her; she funded his education (Arun used to be a stable-boy, but Susanna fired him and then sent him to school), making him what he is today. Arun tells his wife that Susanna has committed suicide, leaving him a note congratulating him on his marriage. The doctor must now confirm that the body found is Susanna’s. Arun is unable to overcome his grief over her death and pours out his heart to his wife, who listens patiently.Susanna’s first husband-Edwin Rodriques (Neil Nitin Mukesh), an army major-is overbearing, jealous and possessive (he represents envy). Edwin gets jealous when she dances with fellow officers at a military function. It was Susanna’s father’s last wish that she should marry Edwin. Disabled (he lost his leg after his participation in Operation Blue Star), he cannot believe that a beautiful woman like Susanna would be faithful to him. Uncertain of his sexual potency (the doctor says that there is nothing wrong with Susanna, indicating that he is the reason why she cannot conceive), he takes out his anger on his wife. Edwin wants Susanna to have a child and settle down as a housewife. Goonga manages Susanna’s stables but doesn’t respect Edwin or his interference in the affairs of the house. Susanna kept pet snakes in a dried up well on her property and fed them milk. Maggie auntie had brought up Susanna ever since she was a kid. Everyone, including the snakes are shown to be completely faithful to Susanna. Although Susanna endures his mental cruelty, she cannot forgive Edwin for blinding her faithful, mute stable-boy Goonga (Shashi Malviya) with a whip. Goonga was protecting his staff from Edwin’s ire when Edwin challenged him to a fight. In the whip fight, Edwin hits Goonga in the eye and blinds him. Edwin is eliminated during a panther-hunting trip with the help of Susanna’s faithful maid Maggie Aunty (Usha Uthup), butler Galib Khan (Harish Khanna) and the mute stable-boy. Edwin’s leg slips on the Machaan (although it was indicated that he was pushed from behind) & he falls right into the path of an oncoming jaguar.Susanna’s second husband-Jamshed Singh Rathod (John Abraham), who renames himself Jimmy Stetson after their marriage-is a singer whose flaw is Gluttony. The marriage begins well (the sex is great), but Jimmy becomes a successful rock star and misuses his new-found fame. He steals songs from his batch-mates in college, dallies with other women and becomes dependent on drugs. Susanna has to write checks from her estate to cover for Jimmy’s transgressions. Susanna wants to be lucky in love the second time and is adamant to save her marriage. She tries to wean him from his addiction, but he continues in secret. She gives up, disposing of him with a heroin overdose. Every time she disposes of a husband, Susanna rings the village church bell loudly and multiple times. Police investigator Keemat Lal find footprints near his body indicating that a person with six toes is the murderer. Keemat also finds the pet snakes in the dried up well on Susanna’s property. Keemat has lust in his eyes for Susanna, which she understands.Susanna travels to Kashmir for a vacation. There Susanna meets and marries her third husband-Wasiullah Khan (also known as Musafir) (Irrfan Khan), a soft-spoken, thoughtful poet by day and a sadistic masochist by night (his flaw is Wrath). Susanna tries to cover her bruises with makeup; her servants cannot bear to see her mistreated and advise her to get rid of him. Khan is ultimately interred in a snowy Kashmiri grave. Her fourth husband, Nicolai Vronsky (Aleksandr Dyachenko), is a Russian spy leading a double life (His flaw is Pride). When Susanna discovers he has another wife and family, her rage knows no bounds and he meets his end with the aid of Susanna’s pet snakes.After Vronsky’s death, Susanna no longer agonizes over eliminating anyone of whom she disapproves. Her fifth husband, Keemat Lal (Annu Kapoor), is a police inspector who has shielded his “Madame” from prosecution for two murders in exchange for marriage. With a voracious appetite for sex (his flaw is lust), his dependence on Viagra proves his undoing; one fateful night, Susanna mixes an overdose of the drug into Lal’s drink.Modhusudhon Tarafdar (Naseeruddin Shah) is a Bengali doctor who rescues Susanna from a suicide attempt (when she learns about Arun’s marriage) and puts her on a mushroom-only diet. Although she does not want to marry him, Tarafdar persuades her with a promise that she will be the sole heir of his property. Actually bankrupt, he tries to poison Susanna with mushroom soup several years later for her inheritance (his flaw is Greed). Her butler drinks it by accident and dies instead; in a state of shock, she shoots Tarafdar during a game of Russian roulette.That night, Susanna sets her house ablaze in another suicide attempt. Seeing the house on fire, her maid Maggie Aunty (who has six toes) tries to rescue her but dies in the attempt (her flaw is Loyalty). Sometime later, Arun’s wife Nandini finds out that Arun lied about his whereabouts and suspects that he is cheating on her with Susanna. In the forensics laboratory, Arun discovers that the body is Maggie Aunty’s (with her 6 toes) and not Susanna’s but declares her dead to return her favor of educating him. He goes to Pondicherry, looking for Susanna. They drink together and Susanna tells him that she is getting married once more and invites him to the wedding the next day.He looks for her; when he finds Susanna, she tells him she is finally getting married the next day to someone who accepts her, knowing all her sins. In an epiphany she imagines Jesus Christ as her seventh husband, full of love and never hurtful; she dies, becoming a nun and finding the love she sought all her life. Arun and his wife return home after he tells her that Susanna is dead.

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